jakariel's Journal

masks...
...I don't know anymore...this is very, very odd. I woke up this morning, absolutely exhausted (not the odd part) and decided that I'd like to change this day. That fate had set a certain course of action for me today, and I made it my duty to act in an opposite manor. I'm not sure what brought this about...maybe the gin last night...maybe the anti-depressent I was handed...maybe the fact that I felt like I was having a complete emotional breakdown...something of the sort. Actually, that's an interesting concept: a break-down. Let's think about that...
One has an emotional break down, they get utterly overwhelmed with everything around them. Even the most minute details feels oppressive...every bad thing, be it big or small, takes on a greater meaning in what you are and how you are. In the end, you cry yourself to sleep, or drink your sorrows away, or find some other distraction to make it seem less real, less pronounced, and will help you find that warm fuzzy that had, up til then, been entirely squashed out of existance. That's what happens...let me know if you disagree.
But what is supposed to happen? Are you supposed to rip your thoughts and emotions to shreds, and build them up anew? Start out as some cynical asshole who can't contain his disdain nor hide his disrespect, and come out as a wholy new, open individual who is truly interested in understanding why he felt so entirely apathetic to certain circumstances? I don't know anymore. I'm not even sure if that's what happened. But, I do believe...that if last night hadn't been the stimulus to utterly tear my soul to shreds...then today finished the job. I'm an asshole. I'm immature. I'm disrespectful...distracting...closed-minded...obtuse...irresponsible
...lazy...apathetic...uncaring...that's what I am...something which, until recently, I kept inside. Then, last night, under the influence of gin, I heard myself say it outloud, to myself...and it sounded true, but didn't ring true. Then...while spending time with my friends...I heard it again. Not audibly, but visually. On the looks on their faces. I had no place with them. I was the smudge on their emmaculate wall. The friendship they share...the group connection of theirs...doesn't extend to me. And why is that? Because at some point, I'm certain I pushed it aside...at the one moment where it mattered most. And now, I get the briefest touch of it...the slight tease of knowing that acceptance is there somewhere...but it is unobtainable. Then today...I entered a class...and I heard it again. But this time, it was no mere thought. No mere speck in someone's eye or crease on their face. It was a barb on the tongue, not meant in that matter, but piercing all the same. When one person says something, you can take it with a grain of salt. Two people, and you might begin to wonder. When three and more people come out, voice what they feel, tell you how they judge your character and exactly what sort of person you are...and agree on that judgement...you realize that it's no longer just a thought. No longer a passing glance. You realize that you are now your own worse enemy...and that your blindness and apathy has utterly destroyed all that you had ever hoped to have gained. Even in the midst of attempting to change who you are, it doesn't matter. It's a superfluous gesture, because you are already judged. You are now that person...the fool...the ass...regardless of how much you have deviated from that course....an irreparable scar on the face of your character.
And why does all this matter? Life goes on, doesn't it? Maybe...or maybe life ends from that moment on. You just...act. You're an actor on the stage of life, going from mask to mask in the attempt to hide what lies underneath...and after having done that for so long, and having so many people recognize your masks for what they are...when you finally take off the mask, they don't care. That face...the face that has been hidden for so long...and is finally exposed to the light of judgement...is just another mask to them. They see it as another deception...another cover of your own design...and that's what it will forever be...your mask.
Oh well...let's see who I'm to be today...

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